A Hasty-Stitchy Birthday, Part One
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Please join me in wishing a most happy Third Birthday to Master and Commander, my Bundle of Brindle, my Department of Homeland Security, my dog, Diamond.
Diamond is an American Staffordshire Terrier mix. She was rescued by the ASPCA (for those of you who watch Animal Precinct — her rescue was filmed but she didn't make the cut for TV — Hollywood is so cutthroat!).
Diamond is a survivor of the highest order. She originally was owned by an older man of limited competence who had an adult son of limited morality. As the older man's mental state deteriorated, his son's moral state deteriorated proportionally with regard to Diamond's care. In other words, she was left to starve.
Diamond had a brother. The only reason she survived was because her brother didn't.
Telephone workers in their cherry-picker saw the tragedy below. They notified Humane Law Enforcement. Diamond was rescued.
Diamond had been kept in a fenced area with zero, absolutely zero, interaction with people or other dogs besides her brother. Try to imagine being suddenly thrown into the loving but confusing world of the ASPCA. She was such a wreck that she was put on doggy Xanax.
The New York ASPCA is a no-kill shelter. Diamond was in their care for four months, quasi-adopted by several members of the staff before a certain law school graduate saw a can't-say-no picture of her on the Internet. That was in March 2004. The rest is history.
Here are some moments in the life of Diamond, with improvised captions:
"He could have at least left the TV on something other than C-SPAN..."
"Christ, does he ever shut up about Bloomberg?!?"
I said "Little Green Footballs," not "Little Orange Footballs!"
"Cheap bastard won't go wi-fi...so who has to wire everything up for him?"
TOP TEN THINGS DIAMOND WANTS FOR HER THIRD BIRTHDAY:
10. The District Method of allocating electoral votes.
9. Equal rights for the LGBTQC ("Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered, Questioning and Canine") community.
8.Opening Day tickets to the Bronx Zoo's forthcoming "African Wild Dogs" exhibit.
7. A detailed explanation from Kip as to how leash laws are consistent with a libertarian worldview.
6. More charitable contributions from our loyal readers to the ASPCA or any other non-profit, no-kill animal shelter.
5. More "dog," less "blog."
4. A detailed explanation from George Lucas as to why the term "Jedi dogs" is used in "Attack of the Clones"...and if there actually are "Jedi dogs," then will we see them in Episode III?
3. Something besides the absolute lowest-priced dog food Kip is able to find on the Internet (cheap capitalist bastard!).
2. A thriving U.N. — based exclusively in Geneva.
And the Number One thing Diamond wants for her Third Birthday...
1. A hot date with Pongo!
POST SCRIPT: "A Hasty-Stitchy Birthday, Part Two" comes on November 16th. Guess whose birthday that is...
Diamond is an American Staffordshire Terrier mix. She was rescued by the ASPCA (for those of you who watch Animal Precinct — her rescue was filmed but she didn't make the cut for TV — Hollywood is so cutthroat!).
Diamond is a survivor of the highest order. She originally was owned by an older man of limited competence who had an adult son of limited morality. As the older man's mental state deteriorated, his son's moral state deteriorated proportionally with regard to Diamond's care. In other words, she was left to starve.
Diamond had a brother. The only reason she survived was because her brother didn't.
Telephone workers in their cherry-picker saw the tragedy below. They notified Humane Law Enforcement. Diamond was rescued.
Diamond had been kept in a fenced area with zero, absolutely zero, interaction with people or other dogs besides her brother. Try to imagine being suddenly thrown into the loving but confusing world of the ASPCA. She was such a wreck that she was put on doggy Xanax.
The New York ASPCA is a no-kill shelter. Diamond was in their care for four months, quasi-adopted by several members of the staff before a certain law school graduate saw a can't-say-no picture of her on the Internet. That was in March 2004. The rest is history.
Here are some moments in the life of Diamond, with improvised captions:
"He could have at least left the TV on something other than C-SPAN..."
"Christ, does he ever shut up about Bloomberg?!?"
I said "Little Green Footballs," not "Little Orange Footballs!"
"Cheap bastard won't go wi-fi...so who has to wire everything up for him?"
TOP TEN THINGS DIAMOND WANTS FOR HER THIRD BIRTHDAY:
10. The District Method of allocating electoral votes.
9. Equal rights for the LGBTQC ("Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered, Questioning and Canine") community.
8.Opening Day tickets to the Bronx Zoo's forthcoming "African Wild Dogs" exhibit.
7. A detailed explanation from Kip as to how leash laws are consistent with a libertarian worldview.
6. More charitable contributions from our loyal readers to the ASPCA or any other non-profit, no-kill animal shelter.
5. More "dog," less "blog."
4. A detailed explanation from George Lucas as to why the term "Jedi dogs" is used in "Attack of the Clones"...and if there actually are "Jedi dogs," then will we see them in Episode III?
3. Something besides the absolute lowest-priced dog food Kip is able to find on the Internet (cheap capitalist bastard!).
2. A thriving U.N. — based exclusively in Geneva.
And the Number One thing Diamond wants for her Third Birthday...
1. A hot date with Pongo!
POST SCRIPT: "A Hasty-Stitchy Birthday, Part Two" comes on November 16th. Guess whose birthday that is...
Posted by KipEsquire on
12 November 2004
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